I killed ''em. With a twist of the wrist, and a mind elsewhere, it was over in about 5.3 minutes. I then spent the next 8 hours trying to resuscitate the dying mass, to no avail...........
But let me start at the beginning, where all good murder mysteries open..
I had just gotten back from visiting my daughter. She had mastered the art of sourdough bread making, and had sent me home with some 'starter' in a Tupperware. This 7 letter word entails water, yeast, flour, sugar, time, talent, and treasure! This precious cargo was wrapped, coddled, and about strapped into a car seat.
Since I was aching to return to the Happy Homemaker mode, I decided to tackle this new project right away. After looking at the official San Fransisco Sourdough Bread recipe, I was ready to rumble......
Step One: Take out cup of starter, and let it come to room temperature.
Step Two: The remaining starter will miss it's friends, so it must be fed. 3/4 cup of flour and 3/4 cup of distilled water will keep it happy for a few days sitting in the cool fridge.
Step Three: Make first mistake. OK, I wanted to use my bread machine's 'dough' cycle since it really kneads the snot out of the flour. While it was humming away, I got another BRIGHT idea.....
Step Four: I like this new, extremely expensive yogurt called FAGE. It is all natural & tastes amazing, even without fruit, sugar, corn syrup, MSG, chemicals, or pectin. FACE is Greek for, "three different kinds of fungi swimming in milk". YUM!
Anyway, I went to the source of all knowledge, the Internet, to see how this happy housewife could produce this fabulous product in privacy of her own kitchen.
Now let me insert here that I really felt God's leading since JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE someone had given me a gallon of fresh from the farm cow milk. I will here after refer to this product by the code word 'moo', since it may be a controlled substance, & I don't want to be arrested by the Moo Police! I had thought of making butter with the 'moo' since there was about 5 inches of 'moo' cream that had risen to the top, but I had done that dozens of times, and today was a day for adventures!
So, back on the farm.......
The directions to fresh yogurt were ridiculously easy. Heat milk, let cool, add some good yogurt, let sit in 90-100 degrees forever, and walla ~FAGE! It took longer than I though to heat a quart of milk over low low low heat. It would have been a bit quicker using a flashlight. But eventually the correct temperature of 180 degrees was reached, and then it was time to watch it cool to a tepid 100. While this is going on, the 1/2 cup of all-natural-plain-yogurt was warming up on the counter. Eventually the milk cooled and the 'gurt' warmed, and they were mixed in an old 1/2 gallon mason jar. Then this new concoction was wrapped in a blanket, tucked in, and placed out of the sun on the back porch. The directions said to keep the soon-to-be-yogurt warm. It was very warm outside. 112 degrees with the humidity. I would check on this baby in about 6 hours.
Step Five: By now the dough cycle was done and I was ready to proceed. Next step, let the blob double in size in, you guessed it, a nice warm spot. I did not guess, though, that this would take 12 hours!!! Then you shape the loaf, slash it with a knife a few times, let rise AGAIN for 4 hours, then bake in a 400 degree oven!!! YIKES!! We would be having hot from the oven bread at 3am! Right then and there I should have stuffed that white, bald, glob in the trash, and RUSHED to the nearest grocery and BOUGHT a loaf of THEIR sourdough bread. But no, I was on a mission. No offspring of mine was gonna conquer a culinary feat without me! Forge ahead.............
Step Six: The instructions encourage the cook to place the dough in a greased bowl, cover with a warm damp towel, cover with plastic wrap, place in a pre-warmed 100 degree oven, put a bowl of warm water under the other bowl, then close the door and check ever so often to make sure everything is just right for the next 12 hours. I've had newborns that took less care. I faithfully set the oven timer, and every hour rushed in to check the water, temperature, and happiness level of my bread!!!! This was getting ridiculous...
Step Seven: At 5:00 it was time think about what to cook for dinner. It was then I got "THE IDEA". At the time it seemed like a good idea, but fate would prove me wrong. Oh so wrong. I figured that since the bread had risen 8 hours already, when cooked, it would be edible. I wanted to present my family with this labor of love, this work of art, this whole day project of gluten. I could speed up the yeast growth in this lump, I could probably bake it in about an hour. I intended to pre-heat the oven again, add some more hot water, shape the loaf, and let Mother Nature do her job. I pushed the 'On' button, and began to refill the bowl................
Step Eight: BOOM! Was that thunder? YIKES! A storm had quickly blown in and it was raining like crazy, the wind was whipping, and my pour yogurt was lost out in the flood! The poor thing was soaking wet, cold, damp, and whining. After wrapping it in a new clean towel, I figured the bestest place for it would be next to the bread in the warm oven.
Step Nine: So while the storm is raging, this Susie Homemaker is frying her husbands favorite meat, tearing bits of lettuce, and chopping helpless veggies. With all this destruction, it is no wonder what happen next..............................
Step Ten: BEEP, BEEP... Oh my, the oven!! It was pre-heated. BUT in my distress over my poor wayward FAGE, I had forgotten to set the temp to 100 and it was on the default temp of 350!!!!!!! Way way to high for my yeast and mold to live!!!!!!! I quickly pulled them from the firey inferno and set them on counter as tear streamed down my cheeks.
I had killed 'em.....
Step Eleven: We ate dinner in silence. The sadness of the situation gripped us all. Not really, but I was sure cross at myself for spending 400 hours working on some nice stuff for NOTHING!
Arugh!!!!!
Step Twelve: After eating and washing dishes it was time to regroup! My pathetic, dead moo and flour had not moved. But would I quit? never! Should I quit? probably. But I am an American Housewife. We look in the face of trials and laugh. We figure out ways to salvage the unsalvageable. It was time to reach down, dig deep, and restore order to the mess. I need to get my rear in gear, stop sniffling, and get the job done!
Step Thirteen: By now the moo had cooled a bit. Hummmmmm, why not just add a bit more yogurt and see what happens? Another 1/2 cup, another towel lovingly wrapped around the jar. I cradled the jar and laid it down carefully in a cooler. I then added two, filled hot water bottles, said good night, and closed the lid.
Step Fourteen: The bread was another story. But it was too noble a bread to be tossed out the back door to the chickens. I decided it deserved a chance to live. So I added some more flour. Patted it, put it in a pan, and stuffed it in the oven for the night.
Step Fifteen: It is now 5am. I couldn't wait to see if my friends had survived. With anticipation boardering on 'tizzy', I peeked in the cooler. YES! FAGE was staring me in the face. It is perfect! It looks smells and tastes like the real thing. Right now it is cooling in the fridge and will be part of a balanced breakfast in a few hours!!!
Step Sixteen: The bread's dead. It has not moved in 10 hours. There is no life left. Oh well, I tried. Right now it is cooking into a hard, rock, mass, that my dogs can use to clean the tartar off their teeth.
I learned a few things from this event. Things like- it is fun to learn new skill; they keep you young. Ideas like- I am very proud my daughter is a better cook than me. Thoughts like- I will continue to make mistakes, that's OK.
I can't wait 'til breakfast. And later on I am going to the store to get some fresh made sourdough bread.
It's gonna be a great day......................................
Psalm 118:24
This is the day which the LORD hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.
This is the day which the LORD hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it.
